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Time:11:43 pm
hi friends.

for the record, i went through a rough time, post-breakup, and post-triggering-life-truths. however, i am doing really good currently, with new plans and ideas about my life.

i think my livejournal, however, after all these years, will be defunct. i've been using tumblr, which i like much much more, especially considering livejournal's increasingly intrusive ad presence (unless, of course, you pay for an ad-free account. fuckers.)

so, for further miss cayley jane bloggery, if you are so inclined, please head here. keep to the right.
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Time:05:02 am
i got dumped, by somebody who not even a week ago couldn't stop telling me how infatuated with me he was, and how happy and excited to be dating me.

coooooooooolllllllllllll.
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Current Music:the wilderness of manitoba - evening
Current Location:home
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Subject:nowhere birds are calling, slower waves are stalling.
Time:11:36 am
i had a delirious week of sex, love, mad texting, fun, food, drink and smoking with a lovely new man i thought i had a lot of potential with.

this week is stranger. distance, second-guessing, awkwardness, conflict, some ex issues on his side, and other obligations, makes me feel like the whole thing has turned to dust in my mouth. the mad intimacy i felt with him seems to have evaporated. i don't know if he's changed his mind, whether he is just a person with issues as are we all, whether we moved too fast and just need to chill out, or whether i'm just crazy and reading too much into it all. probably he's just dealing with some of his own stuff on his own. i just don't feel... like he's present, any more.

the second week is too early for me to be feeling heartbroken. that and he's moving to montreal in april. i feel like maybe i should just break it off now and save myself the trouble. i haven't met anybody i liked for so long. i'm gonna see how things go for now. but for fuck's sake. i mean, really.

i understand that people have more in their lives than texting, or sex, or crazy new relationships. and it's not like he's not trying at all. i just... i feel like i'm going to get treated like michael treated me. perhaps i make myself too available. i just don't want to believe that every relationship has to boil down to that push-and-pull, playing withholding games to make them crazy about you. i can't live like that and i won't.

i finished a really gorgeous scarf. i had a lovely birthday and saw lots of friends. i'm procrastinating about school. i don't know. fuck.

i feel better about a bad situation i had with a different boy. ugh. what is wrong with me that my romantic life is a series of crushes that don't go right? 

arcade fire was rad. i am going to be the subject for a pinup/steampunk photo shoot soon. and i'm going to host an open mic at salt spring and play flute on red cedar's next album. and sufjan is coming up. and there's so much wonderful music in the world. so there's good stuff.

i was actually feeling really good. then i met somebody. now i feel bad. isn't that always how it goes? ugggggghhhhhhhhhhh.
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Subject:mixtapes.
Time:09:47 am
embedding it's not working on lj for some reason, but here's a link to a mix i made on this rad site 8tracks:

softly lit by twilight.

it's pretty. i hope you like it.
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Current Music:andrew bird - pathetique
Current Location:home
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Subject:i'll do anything you want, but i won't be your glass figurine.
Time:01:56 pm
Current Mood:contentcontent
drank: homemade ginger beer mojito with havana club anejo and garden spearmint BOOSH.

i got better. thank god. it's a mystery why they happened but my hives went away.

things seemed to upswing really quickly for me after that. maybe it's just that i feel a lot more grateful for all the awesome things and the abilities i have to enjoy my life. it was definitely a bit of a reality check to remain grateful, and to work on my health. i quit smoking and i've been biking more. eating a little better, but no lies, i still love to eat out and eat stuff that's bad for me... i try to make sure that the bad for me is still high quality... i have vices like organic chocolate, extra aged cheddar cheese, goat brie, roasted garlic spread, baked kettle chips, ginger beer... i'm not going to pretend that any of those things are any good for me, but i do think it's preferable to overprocessed foods that are really high in corn syrup, fructose, extra salt... anyway.

i've been biking a lot and trying to hoop more. i have a musical project on the go. i've leveled up a little in cuteness - i've started wearing my clothes in a different way, higher waistlines, more pencil skirts, cut back on excessive accessorization. i've stopped pretending my appearance doesn't matter to me, it obviously does. i retain my feminist principles but i enjoy fashion, i enjoy attractiveness, and i have a very libran love of interesting and well-made clothes... it's nice to live up to it. it was such a blow to be covered in essentially a giant, scary rash. things are different in spring and summer than they are in winter, but i hardly ever even pause to feel bad about myself ever... i just don't care enough about anyone else's negativity to let it affect me, and i like how i look, so it's only others' opinions that ever bring me down.

things got better and then got worse with the dude i was hooking up with. after some serious and fruitless effort to try and get him into my bed after i'd gotten well, i've decided that i'm done with that situation - perhaps that decision had already been made for me, but i suspect he'll eventually try again once i show disinterest for a while. however, i'm not interested in a fuck buddy that i have no emotional attachment to making me feel bad about myself. that's kind of... not the point.

i've come to a place that i struggled to find for a long time in my life, and that is a general peace with being single and apathy about attempting dating. i deleted my okcupid account. i love men, love sex, would love to meet someone amazing, but i feel like looking for it is counter-productive. it's strange, i still feel that spot where i miss someone i don't yet know, but it's not urgent, or painful. i really like my life right now. i think of how fucked my well-being got when i was trying to date michael and i'm not interested in attempting to make someone mine who doesn't want to be, or who is interested in using me for some way.

also, i have really awesome friends, and i'm really reconnecting with my roommate/old friend, which is super rad.

i'm planning some camping trips this summer instead of going partying or raving at any festivals. i'm really, really happy about this. i'd like to do a road trip to portland and/or tucson (to visit a friend who's moving there temporarily for work) in the fall. i'm going home for a week and a bit mid-august and fervently hoping to get to haida gwaii.

i recently realized i have feelings for a friend. not overpowering feelings or even really a full-on crush. just, holy shit, maybe we're kinda perfect for each other. circumstances aren't really right and i'm not comfortable pursuing it, but it's nice to know i still have that ability to get a little sparkly-eyed over the idea of romance. the way that post-split, michael cut me out of his life after i decided not to keep sleeping with him really hurt and angered me - he did it in a really bad way - and i still have a lot of unresolved bad feelings towards him. i'm trying to let go, but it's difficult. the only thing that helps is feeding a superiority complex, and i don't think that's much healthier, but preferable to feeling unnecessary.

had some really good family times in the last couple weeks. my mom, dad and stepmom really came through for me when i was super unhappy and sick, and there was a lot of visiting with my extended family and mum when she was here last weekend. i'm really grateful they're all rad, happy, and seriously intelligent, critically thinking people.

so, yeah!
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Current Music:ben gibbard - your ex-lover is dead (stars cover)
Current Location:home
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Subject:hm.
Time:09:16 pm
it's strange how deeply lyrics can make me feel better about nebulous doubts, fears, and just bad feelings. especially when sung in ben gibbard's voice.

this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin,
tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in.
now you're outside me, you see all the beauty,
repent all your sins.

there's nothing but time and the face that you lose,
i chose to feel it but you couldn't choose.
i'll write you a postcard, i'll send you the news,
from the house down the road, from real love.

live through this, and you won't look back.



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Current Music:HYPE MACHINE FODDER
Current Location:home
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Subject:oh no no yes
Time:01:00 am
Current Mood:happyhappy
drinking wine, organic juice, and honey liqueur.

i felt a sense of peace and jubilance i haven't felt for a long time this weekend.

i feel like i have a really solid group of friends i really love.

i kissed someone and it was pretty hot.

i think i have flirting down, down, down.

east tenth is blossoming, and that is one of my favorite things of my life.

hey, pixilated_serra , it is warm and we should be drinking delicious fruit beers on your roof.

i really love vancouver... and my life.

i know 100% i made the right decision a month ago.

and i know i'm gonna keep loving myself the most. and that is awesome.

i bought an ipod. it has a vangogh painting skin and i am putting a bunch of crazy music on it. i forgot how nice transportable music is.

i need to sleep soon. i've been working 7 days a week for a couple weeks again. eeek.

i really, really love the reef and all the awesome people there. it's a really special workplace. i can see myself being nostalgic for it in years to come.

i'm working with the makeouts person again tomorrow. maybe more? he's seemed pretty dtf in past weeks. and i'm... kinda looking forward to that.

oh life. so awesome.
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Current Music:dan bern - jerusalem
Current Location:home
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Subject:when i tell you that i love you, don't test my love. accept my love.
Time:01:31 pm
i have a date in like an hour. we're going to bike to the beach with sangria and picnic foods and get to know each other.

i'm stoked!

however, my bar for assholery has raised a lot in the last couple of weeks. also, i feel genuinely happy to be single! so it's pretty win-win.

eta oh mang he was so super tiny and pretty socially inept - it was incredibly awkward. like he never listed height on the profile and - well - tyra came home when we were chatting in my living room post-bike ride, and was her tyra self. then i kicked him out so i could head to serra's, and she texted me  "he looked like some kind of internet gnome. and/or a child." sorry dude, i try not to be too surface-oriented but you must be this tall to ride.

rocked out this week at the biltmore for a friend's music, then at the lotus for free for a different friend's music.

also, IT'S SUMMMMMMMEERRRRRR RAWWWRRRRRRRRRR.




DO NOT WANT.

poetry snippet that's been on my arm for four days:

touching you was like
picking pieces of broken wineglass
off the floor
i did it carefully
afraid to cut myself.

and that's why love is stupid! (and coffee is awesome).
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Current Music:the mountain goats - woke up new
Current Location:port coquitlam whaaaaat
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Subject:and the world, in its cold way, started coming alive.
Time:12:44 am
today was a good day.
this week was a mostly good week.
my bike and i make such good lovers.
the last few days have been wild and stormy. there's a little gladdened tug on my heart every time the wind tries to knock me over. next time, wind! you can do it!
if this is heartbreak, it doesn't have anything on menstrual cramps.
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Time:02:33 pm
i did it. now i am sad. but i hope i will be happy later.

sigh. i really liked him a lot. i didn't expect to feel so heartbroken.

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[icon] unicorn poo
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